Still Unemployed, Continued

I am still unemployed, but I have a job interview next week at a local college as a counselor for their students with disabilities. I am very excited that someone finally called me back! They are the only ones, out of the nearly 20 jobs I have applied for. Last week I was quite depressed about my situation, with lots of drinking thoughts. I went to many meetings to help with that, and I didn't take a drink. I have applied for every form of financial assistance I coule this week and last. Food Stamps, Fuel Assistance, Financial help from the town. It was so hard to do that, it felt demeaning. I have always wanted to be independent and take care of myself. This kills that. I haven't heard back from any of those agencies. Meanwhile my bank account is slowly headed to zero.
This is the most frightening place to be. I need a job very soon. I am working hard at it, there is no doubt about that. I hope to be able to report that I have one soon!

Damn it to hell

This has been a tough day. I realized I had better go to the welfare agent for the town and apply for welfare. I have an appointment with her for Thursday. It felt so humbling. What I really want to say is that I felt embarassed and humiliated, but then someone at a meeting tonight told me that I needed to learn the difference between humility and humiliation, and that it will only humiliate me if I let it. I wanted to drink today. So, I went to a meeting. Then coming out of the meeting someone called me over to talk with me, and I lost my balance stepping off the goddamned walk and fell. Naturally I put my arms out to break my fall and it hurt both my shoulders. Damn, fuck, shit and piss me off. I need for my shoulders to get better. I had a really good PT session today, it really helped and I felt so good. Instead of drinking I bought a huge ice cream and ate the whole thing. Incidently it was also my dinner, since I hadn't had dinner yet. That is my rationalization for eating the whole thing. I wanted it to take me out of myself and it did.

Wow someone likes this site

Thank you Johnny Canuck. You left me a message telling me this site rocks. I don't know why you think that, but it gave me a lift. Yes, if enough people tell the truth maybe it will help. But, really my writing stinks here I think! It really is just stream of consciousness whining. Thank you for your compliment though. Yes, I want to tell the truth to people, that is why I started this--I want people to know the daily struggles of life with a disability. But if feels so self indulgent. If you met me you would see that I am in fact quite functional, I just walk funny. Compared to others I have it easy. Actually, some days I think about how people don't see my struggle because it doesn't look too bad.
It is often alot more obvious with people with severe disabilities, but that also comes with its' own price. I wouldn't want to trade, trust me. I will deteriorate soon enough with age, and end up permanently in a chair, probably. God, every day practically I want a drink, but I don't drink. It's hard. Reality is tough stuff. I accept myself more though. If I didn't I wouldn't even be able to apply for disability benefits.
I would just push on through and continue to get injuired.
Thank God, AA is keeping me from drinking.

Feeling Desperate

I am feeling desperate today. I still do not have a job. I am very low on money and just got my first bill for COBRA coverage. I have to pay at least 2 months right now, possibly 3 right now. It's not my fault they didn't bill me sooner and now it's all due.
I still do not have a job. I keep applying. I keep applying.
I have to remind myself that I haven't given up. As long as I keep trying.
I am feeling panicked though. A relative is helping me money wise, but it is not enough for all the costs I have. I don't want to admit this to my relative. I only asked for what I would get if I were on disability so that when (if) I get approved I can pay her back. Augh. This feeling feels awful. I am not sorry I left my job (because of my supervisor) but this is new territory for me. Major economic insecurity. Major. There is an office job locally that is every other weekend that I have seen and I don't want to work weekends, but I may have to bite the bullet and apply. It's not much money, but it would be something, which would be better than nothing. This is really hard.

Discouraged

I am feeling discouraged today. Actually I am discouraged for some part of every day. I don't have a job. I got a call for one today, but the physical requirements were not clear in the ad in the paper, and I knew i couldn't do it. CRAP. I feel like I will never get anything. I don't mind not working as long as I can keep busy (which I can) but I need to make some money. I will be in deep shit in about a month from now. Perhaps I will apply for welfare. I am not beneath that, just so I can survive. That is all I want, for now. I just want to be able to have enough so that I don't have to do (I don't know where this is headed). I don't want to live an extravagant life, I just want to have enough to survive on. I'm too overqualified for the stuff I am applying for. That is my problem. But, there isn't enough human service jobs out there for me to apply for that I can actually do. SHIT. This is a very un 12 step like attitude to have.

Not Working Yet

This is week 5 without a new job. I know I am applying for jobs that I am way over qualified for and probably these people are wondering why the hell I would want to work their part time jobs. I mean I don't even get calls for interviews. I have started putting on my cover letters that I am applying for part time work due to changing life circumstances. I think I need to put that I need to keep my earnings within certain set guidelines. Then maybe they will read between the lines and call me in. This is harder than I thought. I am used to applying for full time work being difficult, I thought this would be easier because I thought my education and experience would go further in showing that I am a dilligent worker and can be trusted, etc. But they really mean they want a high school grad when they say that. We'll see. I have to keep my spirits up. I am discouraged though, and trying to put a good face on. I went to the library and took out a book on how to work at becoming a freelance writer. It's hard to break into as a field. It wouldn't be something I could make money at overnight. I need to do some free work and build up a portfolio to have something to show for myself. Then I have to think of things to write about of interest to me and to others. What if I really am a lousy writer and don't know it? I don' t even want to go there, but it is my fear.