Another Day of Unemployment

Another day of unemployment and not writing poetry, or anything else. Made a meeting this morning, did volunteer work and went to the pool. Slept too, which is what I feel like doing now. God, this is hard. I was hired by the local school district as a substitute aid, but they haven't needed me yet. I despair of them calling me. I am continuing to search for work. I paid 4 bills today, and now I am out of money again. It goes so fast. My oldest friend ordered me to start writing, but I don't feel motivated at all. Even if I began writing it would take me lots of time to start to make money at it. My mind feels full of anxiety which makes it hard to write. Those creative jices are dammed up right now. I feel useless and am trying to stave off the self pity, which I have enough for everyone and myself left over, usually. Trying to keep my chin up is getting old though.

My dreadful typing

God, I need to monitor my typos better. I was reading some past posts and I caught many of them. It is an indication of my impulsiveness and my stream of conscious writing that I don't notice them until later.

Making It

I have been hired by the local school district to be a substitute aid in Special Education. I an really happy about that, but they haven't called me to fill in yet, and I am anxious to go to work--to earn money and have something to do. I hope they aren't setting me up--no intention of actually havnig me work. I dont' think they would do that though. The obsession to drink is leaving me, thank God. Things are looking up for me. I am feeling much better emotionally. I had my appeal hearing for my unemployment benefits, and I think they are going to give it to me. I was given the time to get a statement form my PA in Orthopedics to write a statement that she didn't feel I should go back to my job, and she was more than willing to do that for me. I should have an answer soon.

Another Day

Today I have my hearing for my appeal for unemployment benefits. I am nervous. I am afraid I will crumble and get really nervous and tongue tied. On the other hand, I know I will survive it, I just can't wait until it is over. I am officially hired in the local school district as a sub paraprofessional--as a special ed aide. Now I have to wait for them to call me to come in. It is not known to me how often they will call. How can I tell? It will be a day by day thing, but it is something as opposed to nothing at all. I am nervous, but happy. I just finished Harriet McBridge Johnson's book, "Too Late to Die Young." Although I am probably just as smart, she is muc h more outspoken and confident. I would like to have her balls. I enjoyed the book very much and think people could learn alot about disability rights and living with a disability from it. I didn't like the part about the NY Times Magazine. In the end she gave in to them about the pictures of her they wanted, despite the fact that she told them no on the issue multiple times. She sold out to them. I was looking her on the web for the pictures but haven't found them yet. We disagree on many things, Harriet and I, but I then all of us are not the same and cannot be lumped together. For instance, I believe in assisted suicide and I also think that Harriet should not have agreed to debate with Peter Singer. He is a dangerous man. A very dangerous man. If I am in a vegetative state I want my feeding tube removed, I don't care how much our society improves in including people with disabilities fully into society. I ahve seen too much in my work life, particularly in my last job a a social worker in a pediatric home with severely disabled children. I believe in personal choice. There's my lecture for today.

Things are getting better, maybe

The good news is I have a temp job that I have now had for 12 days. I don't know how long this will last though. I am working on a special project that is time limited. I had a bad day there though, so I am discouraged. It has become clear to the supervisor that I don't always learn things quickly and I made a dumb mistake that really upset her. I feel so stupid, even though I know I'm smart it's just that sometimes I need tons of practice to get things right. Details with paperwork are hard for me.
I have been going to tons of meetings because I want to drink. I have been dealing with cravings for a month now. Ever since I had thwose two glasses of wine. Things are not settled, and are not easy right now. Still. Sometimes lately I feel so depressed. I am trying to so hard to keep going.