At it Again

I don't know what this title means. Really all it means is that I am typing here again I guess. Well, 10 days until I have my torn rotator cuff repaired. Life is getting more and more interesting. I am nervous as I haven't had surgery in 30 years. It brings back such old crap. I am anxious about the anesthesia and the length of recovery. I will be out of work for a week, which in many ways is not bad at all. I am just afraid that I will feel too isolated and get depressed. I am looking forward to the break from work otherwise. Life with a disability is never dull!
I have been able to get up and read a poem at an open reading twice recently. I hadn't been able to do that in a couple of years. I had a spot for 15 minutes of just me reading a few years ago and I tried to do it standing (like always) and my legs started to tremble and I finally had to ask for a seat. I have felt too self conscious to read again. But, I have been able to get up, and not only that I am much more relaxed about the idea of people watching me or seeing me walking, (a lifelong battle of self-consciousness that I have fought). The key is self acceptance, I am finding. I have gained alot of that recently, and I have AA to thank. I have finally been able to give myself positive feedback and feel OK about myself lately!

Last wishes

I askd my sister today if she wanted to be my "HealthCare Proxy" because I don't have one, and I don't want to happen to me what happened to Terri Schiavo. I told her I do not want to be resuscitated if my heart stops, I don't want to be put on a ventilator unless it is for something I may recover from, like pneumonia, and I am lucid. I told her if I was in a coma or an irreversible state that I didn't want to be kept alive with a feeding tube. I want to either not have one inserted in the first place, or I want it removed. My mother butt in with comments about people who come out of comas after years. I pointed out that what they don't tell you is that the people don't come back fine. I told them that Terri Schiavo was brain dead--she had a flat EEG. I don't want to be kept alive that way. I see too much in the health care facility I work in. We have gone way too far in keeping people alive when we should let them go. We were not meant to live on machines. The medical profession has not done anyone any favors with technology. We need to die when it is our time to die. It is our time to die when our heart or breathing stops, and when our brain stops. I told them my bottom line is I do not want to come back more disabled. I am a disabled person who believes in free choice to go when we want to. I agree that the biggest problem with a disability is the inaccessibility of society, but unless we had such open accessibility and are fully accepted into society, I don't want to stick around. I have had enough medical intrusion and treatment in my life.