Still Unemployed

Here I am still unemployed, week four. I am looking, sending out resumes, but not even getting calls. It is depressing. I don't mind not working, and I can last another month without working, but I am getting nervous. I realize the jobs I am totally over qualified for the jobs I am applying for. I am hoping that that is the only reason I haven't heard from anyone.
I still haven't heard back from the advocate I was directed to for my discrimination complaint.
At the end of last week she was working from home, so maybe she is not feeling well or not able to get to work. Life is never dull.

Creativity

I woke up at 5:30 and couldn't get back to sleep, so I got up. I am feeling creative today. I started an art project over a year ago that I have not finished. I started to paint an old pair of shoes to represent how I felt about my feet, and my disabilty, but I never finished it because it became too painful, emotionally. I wonder if I can finish it soon. I have old sandals and another pair of old shoes. I was going to paint them all as a series. I hate it when I lose my motivation. I get excited about new projects but then they go bust, or I go bust. There is a part of me that wants to just stay home and be an artist. What money is there in that? None. Unless you are incredibly good and can sell yourself and your stuff. It's nice out today. I have to go outside. I am getting stiff from sitting more. At work I was always up and down. I just pushed my way through it. Like all of my life, just push on through like a blind mole in an underground hole.

Weeks 2 and 3

I have been keeping myself busy looking for a part time job, running to appointments, and filling out myriads of paperwork: for the Medicaid people, for the SSDI people, for the unemployment office, and for MCAD--Mass Commission Against Discrimination. I visited MCAD last Friday and told my story to a worker there. She gave me paperwork to fill out, and an advocate to call. I have been playing phone tag with the advocate. The story of what happened to me makes me want to cry. I dream about work every night. Last night I dreamt that my old supervisor yelled at me in front of a classroom full of people and I called her on it. Most nights, however the dreams are about the kids and young adults I left behind. Today I got my pictures of my last day at work. I looked at them once, quickly and put them away. They are painful to look at.
I feel as though I will be swallowed by my depression and grief at times. This is a huge change for me--to be unemployed and to be applying for disability benefits. The jobs I have been applying for, some of them, anyway, are way beneath my skill level but I have to tell myself it is OK. It has to be--whatever I can do or get hired to do I can't make a lot of money at it because of the SSDI application. Acceptance, acceptance, acceptance. That is what 12 Step Programs teach. For me it is key to maintaining sobriety. Accepting myself and my disability. But sometimes I hate that I have to work so hard at accepting my life, and what I have been asked by life to accept. Some days it sucks.

One Week Down

I know have been out of work for one full work week, and it feels very odd. I kept myself very busy last week, although what I most wanted to do was sleep I felt so emotionally exhausted. I didn't let myself as I was afraid to get too used to it. There is a part of me that is really fearful about all of this. I applied for disability benefits last week. I also had 3 doctor's appointments and am being sent back to Physical Therapy. (On my last day of work I went out to eat with friends and as we were leaving the restaurant my foot got caught between two bricks in the sidewalk and I fell, reinjuring both my shoulders. They both really hurt. In addition my Neurologist wants to see me or he will not prescribe any more Neurontin for my nerve pain, since he hasn't seen me in over a year. Oh yes, and my cats are not well. One has some kind of injury on her foot and the other is showing signs of a UTI. Just goes to show--it is a good thing I quit work or my supervisor would be beside herself right now.
I am trying to come up with things for me to do so that I don't just vegetate here at home, and lose all my motivation. I don't know what it is I want to do althought god knows how many times I have said I want to write. Well, here is my chance, but I must be dilligent and work hard. I must be disciplined.

Only 3 more days

I only have 3 more days at my job before I leave for good. I am so glad to be leaving my supervisor, but not the children and families I work with, or my co-workers. My co-workers are wonderful people as are the parents. The children are wonderful too--each in their own unique way. They have taught me so much about being human and being beautiful despite what the world at large may think. I am still looking for a job. I think I am going to apply for disability benefits which would then allow me to work part time and not be so exhausted constantly.
I have to admit I am afraid. I am stepping out into thin air. I was very anxious last week, and very sad. I will admit here and now that I had a slip in my sobriety--ingesting some products that contain alcohol, but can be found in the drug store. I could therefore tell myself that I wasn't really "drinking". This alcohol thing is insidious. I have now set myself up for wanting more, because it felt good. One day at at time. I am going to more meetings this week and I got a 24 hour chip last night at a meeting. I took it to work in my pocket and everytime I thought about alcohol I put my hand around it. This leaving of the children and families and my friends at my job is very painful.