Cloudy

We are again having a cloudy day here where I live. It's cool too. We are all sun deprived. I start back to work tomorrow for two days. Then, next week it is back full time. I was totally hoping to have some miracle happen to me and not have to go back at all, but there it is--time to return. I so don't want to. My boss is horrible. She has been on a roll to try to fire me or get me to quit in the last year and a half. I cannot stand her temper, her yelling at me, berating me, and treating me like crap. I have been trying to find a new job, off and on now for the past year and a half, with no luck. I will get a break, I try to tell myself. The right thing hasn't come along yet. Something really good is out there for me, I just don't see it yet.
My shoulder is still recovering from surgery. I am going back to work only part time for this week as a compromise. The person treating me would love it if I stayed out two more weeks but I won't get paid anymore if I dont' start going. My mother is willing to help me financially, but when I told her I wouldn' t get paid if I didn't go back, she got very anxious and said "What are you going to do you have to go back!" I should have just asked for the money to cover two weeks and let it go at that. My right shoulder is now giving me difficulty because I have been using it to compensate for the left. I can't afford to have that one go right now. Enough whining.

Home

I have been poor at documenting my experience at hone since I have had my shoulder surgery. This is week four. I have to admit I am getting used to it. Initially I was really upset about all the time to myself. I am finding that I can entertain myself and enjoy my own company. I am finding that I don't have to work myself to death to keep away the dark sense of being alone. It certainly has been a challenge to adjust to not being able to use my arm normally. I have been a good dooby and have been doing my physical therapy. I have been thoroughly trained from childhood on to work at getting better and not to neglect my exercises.
I am finding out all about daytime TV for sure. "Ellen" has the best talk show.
I am feeling so normal without the exhaustion of my usual schedule. I think I am done crying--I have been rather weepy the last couple of weeks. I don't know, just feeling like I don't know what is going to happen to me, or feeling unmoored, or something. I am applying for Medicaid. I have found that even though I work full time I am eligible for Medicaid which I would have as a secondary insurance. I will have a Premium but at least it will be cheaper than what I pay out of pocket now for co-pays. It felt really humbling going to Social Security and Dept. of Health and Human Services for help.

Ellen's the Best

Now that I have been home for an entire week, I can say that Ellen DeGeneres has the best talk show going. She is funny and smart. Today she had on Paris Hilton, though. I couldn't help but wonder if Ellen was thinking "What a Bimbo Slut" the whole time. She (Ellen) had her mother on today. She looks suspiciously like David Letterman's mom, I must say. Maybe they are interchangeable. This is what my life has been reduced to in one short week! I am kind of enjoying being home. It is such much more relaxing than my crazy schedule of working full time, going to the gym 3 times a week, singing in chorus and going to AA. No wonder I am exhausted usually. I wish I could get off this treadmill. Part time work would be good. Gotta go--my shoulder is sore from being on the Internet.

Desperate Housebounds

I think I will write a new show called "Desperate Housebounds" after being home for 6 days without going anywhere after my shoulder surgery last Fri. This has been really hard, although today has been much better. This being homebound sucks. I couldn't do it full time, I don't know how people stand it. It has brought up so many painful feelings of isolation from my childhood surgeries. I don't want to say goodbye to anyone over the phone or in person. I don't like feeling so helpless and needing so much help from others. I felt so sad until today--I don't even know why. Walking with one arm in a sling threw off my balance, which I didn't even think of before the fact. I have this fear of growing older and becoming more disabled. On the positive side, other than my arm the rest of me feels better not running around so much and overdoing things. I am glad to be out of work for a week. I need a new job. It would be wonderful to work just part time.